(This journal entry isn't mirrored, because.... well it's a bit shit really)

Fellow deviants, allow me, if you will, to share a cautionary tale of mystery, duplicity and crime. A tale so shocking, yet one so earthly - it will resonate on a personal level with one and all.

Over the last few weeks and months I have noticed something strange in the bathroom of my flat. No, it’s not the fact that neither of my two flatmates ever clean it (regular readers of my journal will already be aware of this). It’s not the rising damp that has now successfully risen and colonised the ceiling. It’s not the film of mysterious orange scum that stubbornly coats the tiles. It’s not even the liberal sprinkling of pubic hairs in the bath tub that collects and forms a kind of organic plug drainer.

No, this is something far more more sinister. I have noticed that my consumption of shower gel and toothpaste has increased considerably over the last few months. Odd, I thought, given that I still shower once a day and brush my teeth once in the morning and once in the evening. Odd, until I noticed that there was only enough toothpaste and shower gel for TWO people. Not three, but TWO. Given the fact there is three of us in the flat, my maths indicated something was awry.

People, something rotten has infiltrated the very core of my block of flats ( and no, I’m not talking about the South Africans next door).

I decided to analyse the facts. For the purpose of this account, I will refer to my cohabitants as ‘Roomy A’ and ‘Roomy B’. Roomy A only ever uses organic, environmentally-friendly, fair-trade products made from hemp by disabled-pigmy-lesbian-single-mother-hippies. I on the other hand use unethically-produced, over-priced products with well-known commercially-driven brand-names manufactured and retailed by evil-multinational-global–corporate-capitalist-pigs. Through the process of deduction this led me to the conclusion that Roomy B has decided to start using my toiletries. NOT SO FAST ROOMY B! I pause for thought. What is my next course of action? Perhaps I could fill the bottle with tomato ketchup. Or piss. Or… bleach. Or all three. No, these are a bit drastic and I like Roomy B. So, last week I began to store my FCUK For Men shower gel in my room, as oppose to its normal spot on the edge of the bath next to a liberal sprinkling of man pubes. And sure enough… a new bottle of Radox has appeared in its place.

Escalating matters, I’ve now taken to harbouring my Colgate Whitening toothpaste in my room. I think we’re all expecting a new tube to magically appear in its place any day now.

This triggered a moment of reflection. It occurred to me that my supplies of tea bags and margarine also don’t last long. Further investigation led me to discover that Roomy B doesn’t currently have either of these two products in his possession. Could it be a coincidence? Well, the next time Roomy B goes to borrow some of my Clover spread (which is positioned appealingly at the front of my shelf in the fridge) Roomy B will instead find an empty box containing a Post-It note instructing him to kindly BUY HIS OWN.



In other news, I’m going to see ‘Death Cab for Cutie’ in concert in San Francisco. Apparently they’re a band. Is anyone familiar with their work?




<sub>This week I recommend:
1. lolcats
2. Coffee
3. Norway

This week I do not recommend:
1. Consultations
2. Smelly trainers
3. Bulbs



April</sub>